Inverted Pyramid Writing

Inverted Pyramid Hard Story:

A suspected clothing shoplifter was caught wearing layers of stolen goods from several stores in Stonestown Galleria on Wednesday,  September 6, 2017.

Around 4pm, police say they arrested 22 year old Stefan Putzkammer. He was then fined and released for shoplifting.

Due to the cold spell from Alaska, San Francisco was a cold 44 degrees, which police say helped them nab their suspect. Putzkammer was seen wearing only a thin jacket walking into the first store, immediately raising red flags.

“He left stores dramatically thicker. He appeared to gain weight,” said Sergeant Ralph Randal.

Putzkammer was reportedly caught dressed in items from Nordstrom, Bare Minerals, Forever 21, and Game Stop, as well as several pairs of underpants, a pullover, shirt, jacket, and swim trunks.

“He looked like a walking wardrobe. He had enough clothes on to last weeks” said shop manager Barbara Batelle. The San Francisco Police were alerted to the suspicious activity and followed Putzkammer out of the mall where he was fined.

 

 

Creative Writing (from the perspective of the crab community)

Headline: Several crabs high on acid when kidnapped from their homes

Several crabs from Half Moon Bay were taken from their homes and tested by humans for acid levels earlier this week.

CDPH laboratories released a statement that the crabs taken were well above the legal limit of 30ppm of domoic acid, some reaching as high as 74 ppm. No statement was given as to the condition of the crabs, nor were ransom requests provided at this time.

“Domoic acid poisoning in humans can result in signs and symptoms ranging from vomiting and diarrhea to permanent loss of short term memory, coma, or death” stated the California Environmental Protection Agency.

“We obviously take human poisoning very seriously, but preventative measures via stealing members of our community is not the inter-species harmony we have worked so hard for.” stated Mayor Crabula of Half Moon Bay.

The Office of Environmental Health Hazard Assessment (OEHHA) stated that they have closed the waters to the crab fishing industry for the time being. All those prepared to take vacations on land via net or boat within the next few weeks will be forced to re-schedule.